“ Funny how some things that start spontaneously end that way. Eat a peach. ”
*1976 telegram from Neil Young to Stephen Stills, after he abruptly canceled their tour
* I really, really like this quote. Even if it is by a Canadian.
* I’ve put it up before, but I feel like we might not be giving The Thurmanator enough respect. I mean really. This exists.
* You can’t show a woman’s nipple on NBC, but an unaccompanied minor in Columbus, Ohio can order this.
Fuze Tour: By the Numbers
0: Poops taken on the bus by MP and Matt, reason #1 being that there is no running water on the bus
1: Poops on the bus by high ranking female Fuze employees, who did so despite being specifically told about reason #1
1: Number of race day staffers Matt had to fire. If Abbie from San Diego is reading this, I hope you get lupus.
1: Bottles of NOS Energy drink MP consumed while driving on tour. The same number of caffeine-fueled hysteria fits Matt got to witness.
1: Mammograms Matt was personally asked to perform on tour.
2: Original Nintendo Entertainment Systems purchased on tour, one by MP at a Detroit garage sale, one on eBay by Matt after smashing the first one with a Fuze bottle
2: Times Matt ate out of a dumpster on tour
3: Number of young children Matt bested in a high-stakes game of pickup basketball in Detroit
3.5: Combined articles of clothing MP and Matt could stand to have on during summer bus rides after the air conditioning broke and it became “the mobile sweat lodge”
4: Number of days on tour where MP wore underpants
5: Cities in which Matt clogged a toilet
6: Combined weight in pounds of the oversized novelty sandwiches Matt ate on tour, the Adam Emmenecker at Jethro’s BBQ in Des Moines, and the Thurmanator Burger at Thurman’s Cafe in Columbus
7: Complimentary hotdogs MP and Matt ate outside Safeco Field. Thanks again, Seattle!
8: Items on McDonalds dollar menu, which took Matt and a friend 4:40 and 4:24 to polish off, respectively
9: Weeks it took MP to dig out the final splinter from his ribcage after landing on top of fence rescuing an errant frisbee
18: Cans of mandarin oranges Matt ate in Lafayette
56: Days Matt was on crutches, and exactly half the number of times MP yelled the phrase “God, you are totally useless!” during that period
1,000,000: Number of ants that climbed aboard the bus for the tour’s final 3 weeks
* Head of security Matt wants to ask you “Whoa whoa whoa! What’s all this about?”
No More Job Security or Job as Security
If done properly, a good Halloween costume should have strangers believing you could genuinely be what you are dressed up as. And in my humble opinion, if you are looking for a future Halloween outfit that will accomplish that goal, I recommend “security guard.”
In San Diego I finally got another opportunity to wear the Nationwide Security outfit I purchased in Detroit in May. The jacket is the real deal, with faux fur collar and everything. It was presumably brought to Goodwill after the previous owner was killed in the line of duty, presumably after a run in with troubled youths, who were presumably loitering around a local mall’s Orange Julius illegally.
With slicked back hair and a terrible attitude, I was able to delve into character with the tenacity of Hilary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry. I really “became” the a-hole security guard we are all familiar with. MP and his buddy Trey were there. They’ll tell you my performance was Oscar-worthy.
Strangers asked me for directions on the street during the day, which I was more than happy to provide, especially given that I know absolutely nothing about the layout of downtown San Diego.
To cap off the evening, I strolled through a news crew videotaping something outside a local bar, and told everyone to “shut it down!” and that “I did NOT authorize this!” before they furiously provided me with (what I assume) was legitimate documentation that said they could be there. I said I would allow their presence, but told them they were “on thin ice in my part of town.”
Can you imagine another costume you could wear on Halloween night where sober, on-the-clock people would just assume you were what you were dressed up as? This was unendingly entertaining to me. Can you imagine if a hobo or a zombie Michael Jackson had tried to stop a news crew? It’d be curtains. But one bearded Italian troublemaker in a thrift store jacket? Hilariously credible.
So let that be a lesson to all you kids out there. Halloween isn’t just about gorging and mischief, it can also be about making grown-ups question the legitimacy of uniformed law enforcement personnel.
And with that fun evening behind us, MP and I packed up the FuzeCruzer one last time and headed to Dallas. We parked the old girl in a special lot, gathered our various outfits and mid-90s basketball jerseys, and got on planes to see our loved ones.
Another tour successfully completed. Another adventurous period that I’ll cherish when I’m old and sad and eyeballing my own children resentfully. The only states of the lower 48 the bus did NOT travel to were Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Mississippi and Alabama. MP and I proved quite the ramblin’ men.
I am off to St. Louis to spend some time with my girlfriend, and to enjoy not being in transit for a little while. It looks like I’ll be looking for a real job, one based in a single building, in a single city. I have long wondered about this strange lifestyle so many people live, and I am looking forward to mastering its intricacies.
We’ll see how it goes. Stay tuned.
