* Matt is watching the Red Sox game, minding his own business, when they come back from commercial showing these two couples.
* And no sooner does colorman Jerry Remy mention how happy they look, then the broheim on the right reaches over and takes a hearty squeeze of his date’s righthand boob, causing he and his fellow caveman to laugh, and the two girls to look pretty uncomfortable. Though not nearly as uncomfortable as they’ll look when they find out this spontaneous honking was broadcast across greater New England.
* But no one was laughing harder than Jerry Remy and his broadcast partner, who struggled to breath for several moments, unable to announce the next couple of pitches, before guffawing “this used to be a family show!”
* Matt loves regular season baseball, but not nearly as much as DVR.
* A Super Bowl visit to see some old buddies in Minnesota produced this recently-rediscovered picture.
* That is Matt’s future groomsman passed out between a chair and its ottoman, hands over his pasty head, tummy just barely exposed, with his right sock hanging tenuously off his toes.
* This picture was preceded a hour earlier by his pleading pep talk, upon entering an Old Chicago at last call, that we “seriously be the coolest guys in here. Like, just take this place over. Here we go!”
* Here we go indeed.
* Matt moved to Milwaukee almost exactly one year ago. He recently moved apartments due in no small part to the construction site located directly across the street from his old place.
* Machinery such as this cherrypicker began work on a new apartment complex 25 feet from his bedroom window every morning at 7am. Six days a week. For a full calendar year. Even during the many snow storms and a pretty sizable flood.
* Cement mixers parked under his window. Wet saws that sound like jets taking off in his living room. Loud conversations held by guys named Larry and Mike before the sun comes up, trying to yell over the sound of their heavy equipment to talk about the Brewers. Yep, the year just flew right by.
* The new building, which is nearly complete, looks pretty much exactly like every other three-story building in the neighborhood. Except that it took a crew of men, working seemingly around-the-clock, one year to put the final touches on. Sometimes Matt wondered if it was merely a successful Noise Factory that had opened across the street. Because if these a-holes were paid by the decibel, they’re all millionaires. See you hell, boys.
* Matt argues his point that the Bills will win the 2008 Super Bowl on the set of ESPN’s PTI program.
* History almost proved him right. Thisclose.
“ Courage is the thing that makes us free.”
I Am A Real American ”
Foot in the Mouth
I was on an airplane to Memphis this morning when an older gentleman sporting an eye patch got on after me. It reminded me of a time not too long ago…
The year was 2006, and I was a senior in college. Being terrified/unable to provide myself with adequate nutrition daily, I was well on my way to setting the Mizzou record with 8 full semesters of the 17-squares-a-week meal plan.
Something about preferring my parents pay for my unfettered access to unlimited food with no preparation, tipping, or clean up made me feel like the needle pointed closer to “borderline genius” rather than “complete loser.”
Anway, I ate at a variety of dining halls, because variety is the spice of life. Especially if you let a large public university cook all your meals for you as an 18-to-22-year old “man.” On Halloween I found myself in a dining hall across campus for the first time. I entered and saw that there were Halloween decorations up everywhere. It was all very festive. Really got me into the Halloween spirit.
I approached the grill and a student-employee with the name tag “Chris” was manning the spatula. Being very friendly I saw that Chris was wearing an eye patch and was joking around with his coworkers. I ordered a patty melt from him and, after a few moments, awkwardly tried to join their merriment with: “Not going with the hook today Chris? You gotta go all out if you’re going pirate, man.”
The laughter abruptly stopped. The coworkers looked nothing short of aghast. The coworkers, I also noticed, were not wearing costumes. Unless they were all going as Dining Hall Employees for Halloween.
Silently, Chris put my half-cooked patty melt on a plate and gave it to me. I took it, high-tailed it out of there, and (if memory serves) ate the whole thing out of some kind of shame-fueled penance.
Some time around Christmas I saw Chris at a bar, still rocking the same eye patch. And though the Halloween season had past, I still felt like a total monster.
“ Attention all employees: A reminder that the office will remain closed until 10:30am Monday morning in the event of a Green Bay victory. That is all. Go Pack Go. ”
* an announcement over the intercom at Matt’s office on Friday afternoon in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
* He’s betting Steelers +2.5, over 44.5. He kept that a secret.